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UNBIASED MOVIE REVIEWS - INTRO

  • by Koda
  • Mar 25, 2015
  • 5 min read

I love movies, but I rarely read reviews. Why? Mostly because they tend to be bias, very one-sided, or they give away too much. As a former video store manager, I know that this doesn't do anyone any good. I also understand, that everyone is different, and just because one person doesn't like a certain type of film, it doesn't mean that that genre, style, or specific flick won't have a ton of fans with completely different personalities/taste. I think it's about time someone started reviewing movies with an open mind... with a broad definition of which movies will be good for certain kinds of people.

With that being said, I'd like to be that person. When I worked at Hollywood Video, customers would come to me specifically for movie recommendations because I knew them, and more importantly, knew what they liked, or didn't. In other words, I wasn't the employee that told everyone: "Watch this movie. I thought it was great." Instead, I listened to my customers' feedback, remembered who they were, and remembered their preferences.

My recommendations were personal. Let's have an example:

Customer A likes Horror movies, but only if they have a decent budget, fairly well known actors, and isn't into gore or monster flicks.

Customer B loves gore, as long as it's well done, but requires more plot that your mainstream Slasher flick (e.g. Nightmare, Friday the 13th, Scream). Well-known actors aren't an issue, as long as the acting is decent. Customer C isn't really into Horror movies and gore, but loves a good Thriller and is an avid Sci-Fi renter; Ghost stories are the exception.

Customer D is a true fan of Horror, and all of the above genres, renting just about anything as long as its new, and not TOTAL CRAP, with the exception of crap-intentional campy movies like Sharknado (They find these kinds of movies truely intertaining in a comical sense).

Now, (this is totally made up, but) just to make this example easy, let's say that the genre-fittting movies that came out this week were Aliens, Saw, The Woman in Black, Cloverfield, 100 Feet, and Tucker & Dale VS. Evil.

Customer A asks me if there were any good new horror movies this week. I reply, "There were like, six... but, most of them were pretty gory, except for Cloverfield and The Woman in Black."

Customer A: "Were they good?"

ME: "I liked them... But I wouldn't recommend Cloverfield for you. It's got a pretty good budget, but it's one of those camcorder films, centering on an alien invasion. The monster is cool, but I know you're not into those kinds of movies. I'd get The Woman in Black this week. It's got little Harry Potter in it, all grown up, and it was a pretty good ghost story."

Customer B is next in line. She's brought up everything except for the two Sci-Fi flicks, Saw, and Tucker & Dale. "How'd I do?" she asks. ME: "Pretty good! I think you'll really like these. Aliens was even better than the first, and The Woman in Black and 100 Feet are two very different sorts of ghost stories.

Customer B: "Yeah... I wasn't sure about 100 Feet. I don't recognize anyone in it." ME: "Famke Jansen is in it. She's plays Jean Grey in the X-Men movies, and she's Liam Neeson's ex-wife in Taken. I liked it because it was a unique ghost story, and has some good gore, which you don't usually see in ghost flicks. Also, you should check out Saw. It's looks like it might be a dumb slasher, but it actually has a really good plot—and on a side note, Tucker & Dale VS. Evil was hysterical, and makes fun of all those slashers you don't like, giving a plausible explanation for every silly thing that happens in those kinds of movies."

Customer C brings the two SciFis, and the two ghost stories.

ME: "Ooh, I know you love ghost stories, but you should know that 100 Feet is pretty gory. Aliens has a little gore, but isn't as bad. I think you'll really like The Woman in Black, though, and just to warn you: Cloverfield is one of those camcorder movies. I thought it was really well done, but you shouldn't rent it if you're not into those."

Customer D brings them all up. He's so excited that there six new horror movies this week (because this is REALLY rare). ME: "Good week, huh? It's like this whole scenario was made just for you! You'll like all of these."

Customer D: "That's what I was thinking, but I can only afford two or three this week. Can you help me choose? Maybe I'll put Tucker & Dale back. It looks like more of a comedy than a scary movie." ME: "Oh, no! You don't want to do that! It is definitely a comedy, but it's awesome...especially for someone as into horror movies as you are! It takes every scenario from your favorite slashers and gives them a legitimate explanation from the killers' perspective. It's like the Big Bad Wolf's version of the Three Little Pigs, if you ever read that as a kid. I thought it was freakin' hilarious, and it includes all our favorite slasher flick stereotypes. You should get that one, Saw, and 100 Feet. The Woman in Black and Aliens were both great, but they're the slowest of the six, and Cloverfield is more action than horror, although it is probably one of the best POV films I've seen since The Blair Witch started the whole craze. If you're only going to get two, save Saw. It's super main-stream, and we have a ton of copies. There's only a few copies left of 100 Feet, and it was really original for a ghost story."

See what I mean? Unbiased, tailored reviews giving you the information you need to know if a movie is right for you—not everyone. As an avid flick-fan who worked in the industry for seven years (but was introduced to it at the young age of 2), I understand that my opinion is just that: MY OPINION. We don't need opinions to tell us whether or not we're going to like something. We need FACTS that will help us make better decisions on our own.

One of the WORST movie reviews I've ever read (and by WORST, I mean COMPLETELY USELESS as a review) was in my local newspaper the week Scooby Doo 2 went into theaters. It said simply, "Don't waste your time with this juvenile [something-or-other]." It's been a long time, but that was basically the direct quote, in so many words. One line; nothing about the movie other than it was "juvenile" and "don't waste your time." My initial thought after reading the review was: Juvenile?? It's for freakin' kids! Of course it's juvenile! Were they expecting a serious Scooby Doo movie, with the mystery qualities of Murder, She Wrote?

Unacceptable.

So here's the thing. I would like to give this whole Movie-Reviewing thing a shot. After all, I've been doing it in private since, Forever, so why not? I don't watch movies as regularly as I used to, but I still make time to watch them when I can, so I'll be posting some reviews here after doing so now. I'm into every genre of movie (not just horror, as this blog might have suggested), so expect a WIDE variety of cinema being watched. What you should NOT expect is a star-rating, or other nonsense that should suggest that I am the official voice of Hollywood. Just expect some facts and suggestions that should help you determine if these movies are worth YOUR time, or not.

If you'd like to request a review, I'm certainly okay with that, as well. Comment below, or use the Contact Form on my site. I'll be happy to watch a movie for you.

Until next time,

Your Friend Koda.

 
 
 

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